cuts to benefits and services which are falling disproportionately on disabled people

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Having to say Sorry

 I once read, that being bipolar, was having to say sorry a lot. He is right in my book..


I nice cover of a great song.

Auguste Rodin

Art is contemplation. It is the pleasure of the mind which searches into nature and which there divines the spirit of which nature herself is animated.

Auguste Rodin

Henry Moore

The construction of the human figure, its tremendous variety of balance, of size, of rhythm, all those things make the human form much more difficult to get right in a drawing than anything else.
(Henry Moore)

Psycho

I am not sure why I share some of my thoughts and feels on here, due mainly to the personnel nature of them, but I always feel they are justified, I mean what is more fragile then another persons thoughts, particularly regarding their mental health.

Anyway, I failed( or rather decided not to share this at the time) but I am now back on anti psychotics, WHY? because my hearing had become to much to handle,. If someone whispered I heard it like a scream, this and heightened sense of smell are usually the first signs of a psychotic episode for me...  So rather than wait till i am to ill, i decided to contain it, I have a certain amount of leeway  with my meds, I guess its about ME controlling my illness rather than the doctors..

The plus of being on Anti Psychotics, I avoid the hospital. The downfall of being on them is, I eat like a horse, in the space of a week, i have gained weight, I hate(ate) that...

Anyway this got me thinking.. peoples reactions to someone being on Anti psychotics is  scary, People, assume that someone who becomes psychotic, goes around murdering people, ah the Hollywood stereotype.  Movies  portray people with mental health problems negatively, when in fact people with mental health problems are statistically more likely to be the victims of violence than the perpetrators.

I was speaking to a student who was looking at madness as their subject matter for their FMP. I asked how they planned to portray this, they then used Hollywood films as examples. At the time, i felt angry, but i did not show it, I tried to explain how people with mental health feel and that they often victims . But i got the impression, my words had fallen on to the ground un heard.

I will be honest, If their tutor allowed the depiction of mental illness, to be shown in a negative light, would that make it ok, to be prejudiced towards others, OK.  There is is a fine line between, putting across an idea in your art work, and putting across a damning idea, Hollywood gets away with it, so I guess it would be OK for a student to depict madness as a scary horror type imagine.

The more I have done this project, the more I have become comfortable with my condition. You know what? I am blessed, other people do not get my Highs, with out the aid of drugs. Hell even my pesky acute hearing is a blessing at times. Or even my hyper sexuality, ok the downs are a  pain, and getting too high leads to a heap of problems, but I realise there are some pluses to the whole Bipolar label.

Anyway I am in no way blaming the Student for their misconceptions, nor the tutor, but I am blaming a society that  is ill educated regarding mental health and a multi billion dollar industry that feels it is OK to portray the ill in a negative light. But saying that, we vote with our wallets on that and continue to watch these movies.Would we pay to watch a racist or a sexist film? I believe there would be an out cry, You can see it now, the tabloid papers, up in arms screaming boycott this movie. Yet when movies, Like "the Ward"," Psycho"  and even "American Psycho" are realised, we rave about them...

Ok i will stop my rant ..... sorry needed to be shared.

Week of Disappointment and heart ache

OK summary for the week, after running out of card and Balloons, finally got my hand on some. Card is perfect, I brought slightly smaller balloons, due to the fact your got more for your money. However, what appears to be happening when i use the balloons, is they implored, (crushing the plaster in the process) when it comes to removing the balloon from the plaster, what normally happens is they run, like a pair of stocking. so I will have to either buy new balloons or experiment in different ways of removing the balloon, either way, it is a extra hassle.  I am keen to have these in my installation, as well as my video and the heads on the wall. they all tell a different story regarding fragile and vulnerability.

I have expressed my frustration, Howard says this is normal, and these challenges are just as important as the end result... I should also note, this weekend, i am stepping back from this project, due to the fact my children are here(only updating this because they are still a sleep) but i will be returning Monday lunch time after my disability assessment., oh and Tuesday is another wasted day, because I have doctors appointments and my weekly blood letting.. to be honest i am slightly annoyed that everyone is making this appointments when they know i am busy with this project, but i have no choice i guess... 

Hindsight

Brief update. My friends from Arc pulled though for me and got me a pile of card. Howard was a star and picked it up for me in his van... Moral of this story, Hindsight is great, but being full prepared is useful, to me the last week has been wasted on messing around needlessly.. 

Anyway, I have glued a large number of  card sheets together, and intend to cut the holes out tomorrow once it is dry..

Then hopefully i can then start plastering.

Bipolar disorder and alcoholism

interesting Article from askabipolar.com, regarding -alcoholism and bipolar, nothing to do with my art, but I feel it is valid. Bipolar disorder and alcoholism co–occur at higher than expected rates. That is, they co–occur more often than would be expected by chance and they co–occur more often than do alcoholism and unipolar depression.

Regarding fragility and vulnerability , it screams it.

hurdles,pitfalls and the power of Li

Small set back for me to day,,, Ran out of balloons and card.. Borrowed some money and finally found a shop that sold large balloons( dam not cheap, esp for a guy on a very limited budget).. Then the card, made a few calls to see if i could source some... we will see if anything comes back, if not, I may have to look at different materials  like perspex or even MDF... although I'd like to keep it card, as a lot of my things I have done have used card.. 

I was feeling down about the above, plus my issue with noise and people talking, which has been bothering me a bit today... Anyway tomorrows a new day and a new challenge.

I am considering putting  Li, in a conner of each boxes that contain the paster balloon/egg, which represent my head, the box, that represents Lithium, which keeps it in control in places, but other places appear to strain and bulge.

Noise

OK I have mentioned a few times,  when my mood is raised, my hearing becomes, not superman like, but it becomes sensitive , and the ability to single out different noises becomes difficult, which in my current state can and does become a sore point for me, It does cause arguments in the home,  I mean. who has 2 TV's in different rooms playing, a washing machine spinning, and running a in depth commentary of yahoo news. Normally, i can switch noises off, listen the conversation in front of me no problem,, however I do have these unpleasant highs were I can't.

Another embarrassing noise issue, is Audio Hallucination,I hear things that aren't there, Like when you think someone called your name, but nobodies there, or worse you hear the person you talking to say something completely different.. eg that's nice Paul. Paul who the fuck is Paul? AAAHHHHH, I'll be honest, Audio Hallucinations don't in my book happen a lot. when they do though, it normally means, i am  on extra lock down and meds  are increased to calm me down,

This is my point with this FMP, These are a small example of the symptoms which happen all the time, I have never fully got the triggers fully worked out , but its currently an ongoing task to establish then all  These symptoms  are not due to the FMP, this is me, the fragile balancing act of being a normal part of society!

Sunday,,, I am still feeling irritable, noise, i find so distracting... Why the hell does everyone have to make a noise,,,,

I was meant to go Life drawing, but my friends has not contacted me to confirm, and now its too late.

So today I am going to make a Sketch book  for my mapping.... I disliked mapping when we started, but there is something about it that seems to carry though on any project I start. I mean its very useful... I guess if you go back to the beginning of this project, you would see how its changed and developed, in a matter of weeks, the shame principles and themes are there, buts it moved on in different directions, this can be mapped, in fact it is, via this blog, my sketchbook  and my daily planner. sorry babbling

The Wall III by David Backhouse

 

The Wall III by David Backhouse, One in a series of seven exploring the sense of isolation. Through his work David Backhouse tries to communicate his awareness of the interdependence of all life and his delight in the vitality of the natural world.

I find this piece so lonely yet appealing 

belongings, meanings and transient angrer of mania

Its Saturday, the day of false promise and fragile hopes....

 A brief update on yesterday, managed to do 3 more fragile egg shells around my silhouette, because the balloons I use are so big its a two man job to pour the plaster, this is slowing me down.... 

Other events: a group of teens keep steeling my belongings from my garden, because I confronted them, its turned into, a game for them, by them trying to intimidate me at every opportunity.. This makes my blood boil. My physiologist, stated he thought I was high, because I have been very confrontational this week.. He has a point, I do at times have shit highs, but they are the worse, they are not pleasant, I am angry 24/7 and get so annoyed, at people who appear to be useless at their job etc.... I do not get all loving, happy. I become an angry old man..  

Anyway because of the above we have been placed on a transfer list to be re housed. yeah move me not the problem,, You see Housing law I know about and the fact England is backwards compared to the rest of the UK makes me doubly angry, why deal with crisis when preventive measure eliminates most problems before hand. .

This will be my 20th move in 20yrs, I realise this yesterday mailing a friend, looking back this transient lifestyle has been down to my illness,  To be frank, it it was not for this course, i would have left this area by now and headed north...

I was curious to see what other Artist that use balloons and plaster,, Wow where do I begin, there are thousands, If I am honest its put me off my eggs, but I do realise very few art pieces are 100% original, and have influences..

One local artist stuck out, This was not because of her art, but it reminded me of a debate, with Howard my Tutor/ Karl the tech and two other students. The debates was about conceptual art, and what the term art means, Karl summed it by say Art should raise questions, I was debating about the fact some artist thrive on shock value, which I felt did always raise question as such, but are the valid questions..

Anyway this Artist is Jennifer McDonald , she does Installation, Performance and Sound, one of here pieces uses menstrual blood.

Blood Fruit

11/10/2010 Here are images of the latest fruits I have cast in menstruation blood and latex. As I spoke about in an earlier post I am planning to arrange the objects into a vanitas style still life sculpture. I am also trying out various compositions of fruits with wasps and other insects.

If I use the theory that art should raise questions, i have two. 1? WTF, 2/ how the hell was the blood collected... but saying that this piece does have a lovely form.  this is not the piece I was looking regarding balloons though,,,  this is the link, again I like it, its raw.
http://jennifermcdonald1.wordpress.com/2010/10/10/plaster-balls-the-process/

Grumps and humps

Its Thursday, I have been Mr Moody for two days and my rage for all things unjust is growing. my paranoia has also increased a lot. Due to this i have avoided college today( feel guilty, but I feel I need to take time out) My partner has contact my psychiatrist to see if a med change is needed...

Ok enough crap about me. back to my art..

As I mentioned in my last post Mr Humpy stroke 3.... I like him but still feel my piece needs to be more conceptual . 

 

This i am impressed with.  I was researching Janus who is the god of beginnings and transitions,  also of gates, doors, doorways, endings and time. He is usually a two-faced god since he looks to the future and the past, So i cut out my silhouette, joined together the two faces,  I them took a large balloon, filled it with plaster and blow it up in between the hollow space in the card, I then shook it till it had dried, to a solid form, I love it... its fragile, it breakable.. 

Two faces that came out pretty well, one made of fabric and slip, the other a cast of fine plaster.

A funny kind of day

Its been a thinking kind of day. I went into the studio, and mused over the piece I have created so far.. AAAAHHHHHH

I like the silhouette boxes ( i am thinking these built into a wall to made to look like a shelve.)

I do not like the perspex striped face( see previous post) It does not fit well with above boxes nor does it feel or look vulnerable or fragile, Same can be said for any face I have done, either with slip or paster etc.. too much face if you ask me...

I do like Humpy.. why because it is early fragile.. ie from my childhood, its comical, its figurative, but the later two reasons are also why i am not 100% sure they work with the boxes.... I was joking saying the the stations of the egg would be funny,,, more I think about it, the more I like.

I could not do more than one egg today, because i had to make  my weekly visit to the vampire nurse ( Haemochromatosis means i have to have a pint taken from me each week to keep down my iron count)